Myla's. Not yours...

2003-03-24 - 9:43 p.m.

"In reality I'm slowly losing my mind. Underneath the guise of smile, gradually I'm dying inside."

"So I'll wear my disguise, till I go home at night, turn down off the lights and then I breakdown and cry..."

Can I still afford to lose you again? Or can I still afford to be fooled again? But what if the right thing to do is to give you another chance, for the fourth time??

You have been the biggest burden, the deepest pain in my heart and in my life. But I also know that no one makes me smile the way you do. No one makes me feel the kind of happiness and the feeling of being loved
purely,
genuinely,
unconditionaly,
the way you did before. I was told that if I have been fooled once, shame on you. But if I have been fooled twice, shame on ME. So what if I let myself be fooled the third time? What would you call that...love..?

I feel like I was made for you, that I have to be there whenever you fall down, that I have to feel all your pain and all your losses, I have to feel heartbroken whenever you are, I have to feel sorry whenever you do, and I just have to love you again, whenever you feel that you still do.

But I also feel that I was the only one made for you. That I think its just one way and not also the other way around. Are you made for me too? Do you feel my pain? Do you cry when I do? Do you hurt when I'm heartbroken? Do you feel empty whenever you leave me?

I dont know what I want to do now. I told you I don't want to talk to you now, not even anytime soon. That's true, because I know what you'll say and I just dont want us to get back together now and then break up again. I want to talk to you when the time comes that I already graduated from college, when I'm already settled with a job for two years, and just when Im in the right age to marry, that's when I want to see you again. Coz by then we're mature enough not to let go of each other...
because if that happens now, there's a BIG possibility that I may still lose you, and I dont want that to happen. There may never be other chances. Maybe there's only ONE chance left for us and if it is so, then I would be happy to wait for you for 4 more years just to have you for life and be with you for eternity.

You said you will always love me. I wonder how long you can feel that, how long you can wait? I'm drowned in so much confusion, I dont know where this road is taking me, but whatever happens, I hope I reach the right road. Could that road be the way to you?